You also had no luck in finding rewarding work in your field after 7+ years of school. You were just forced to move countries to be with your wife, and then across said country to remain with her. In your new home there is fuckall for good work and you're stuck being a box jockey with a wonky back. On top of all that you're a gd house elf for a good part of your day.
There's much more to this conversation that isn't going to be shared, but I will help the context along by noting it does not come from a place of malice. He's astute, witty, and uncompromising when it comes to the things that matter to him. I'm lucky to be one of those things.
It did get me thinking. My first response was to write out a sizable reply on how it isn't all that bad. I rationalized away the points I responded to and flat out ignored the other points. Yes, I am originally from Canada and have moved to the United States. I love the United States and am proud to call it home. Perhaps one day I may even be able to say, "My fellow Americans." I moved from the greatest state in the union--that's Oregon, by the way--to one of the most notorious for its political corruption, environmental degradation, and pious take on personal affairs: North Carolina. There's no rationalization to make here. My wife was accepted to the best school in the nation for her Masters program. It is exploration and adventure for me as I move about the United States, visiting historic towns, like Willmington, NC, Nag's Head, NC, and Savannah, GA. We have plans to see Washington, DC this summer. Living on this side of the country isn't my first choice, but while here I will enjoy it by exploring it.
I am not going to discuss my degree at this time. There's nothing to gain from it here. I will say that I have decided to pursue another degree which will bring me a great deal of career satisfaction.
The toughest point made was the house elf comment. Like most humans, I have hobbies. Hobbies are vital to happiness. Take away those hobbies and life is less enjoyable. I have had to sacrifice my hobby time to work on chores and errands. With my wife's schooling, I am left to do the housework, the shopping, the purchases, the driving, the laundry, the money management, and the cooking. This is the balance of power in the house currently and is by no means a permanent situation. At least, I will not be, even if it is a unilateral decision by me.
The burden of managing a home while working consumes most of my free time. Living 3 hours ahead of my left coast friends makes it difficult to plan for activities. This is where my happiness is conquered by frustration. The frustration which spirals downwards as I work on the house cleaning to find additional--yet, entirely avoidable--work. There is an inherent lack of fairness when one gives up their free time to help another. Made worse by a lack of appreciation for it.
Let me be clear here: my wife appreciates that I have unloaded the housework off of her, freeing her up to study. My qualms were always push aside by a stoic drive. I had no desire to complain about the work I had to do. Now, however, I think there are things that must be changed. The work is not appreciated when careless acts result in additional work. The work is not appreciated when there are eye rolls, comments, and exasperations over the inconvenience caused during the cleaning. The work is not appreciated when there is little effort repaid to allow for a making up of lost time from hobbies.
My frustration comes from here. When I start my intensive study, my wife will have to assume the roll I currently have, that of working and managing the house. Once I am done with my schooling, the balance will be restored. The remarks made by Dave brought about the realization that I should do more to set the expectations around this house when it comes to assisting with housework. I should not have to do it all; it doesn't matter if there is class five days a week or three days a week. Minor efforts matter. Failing to assist is a lack of appreciation of the work I do around here. It is on me to make that clear, something I have not yet done.
Stoicism is good for managing your disposition. When it fails, though, the person behind it is often an emotional fool. That was me today. It did not help that my cat decided to dance with me while I was putting away some dishes and ended up severely denting a saucepan. It's just stuff and it is still usable. Addressing issues while being stoic can be difficult, as such a mind will not look upon problems negatively. When we see there are issues around the situation contributing to the worsen of a problem then that is the time to be aware and to speak up. Something I need to do.
This has been an unedited rant. @nrokchi
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